Haha...one bloody month since my last post... Anyway, let's cut the foreplay. Back to the topic of my entry...hmmm, I don't know how to put it, or where to put it, this is because I think I spend too much time alone...all by myself....with nobody else in sight. Don't believe me? Well, please take some of these few cases into account then....
Case 1
Believe it or not, it'd been quite a long time, 2 months to be precise, since I had breakfast with someone other than myself sitting on the same table. Yeah, 2 months... I don't know if it's any big of a matter to any of you but I don't know la...for the first few days, I felt nothing was wrong. Eating alone all by myself in the morning is a perfectly normal thing to do. 2 or 3 weeks later I was starting to check out other people with their partners or friends that are having breakfast around you...in terms of their newspapers, their clothes, their shoes, the things they eat and all them other petty stuffs. After that period of time, I was starting to think about stuffs. I started to doubt my communicating skills, I started to lose focus, strangely, lost some of my appetite and yeah, up to a certain degree, I started to wonder whether I was just not that normal to start with....haha.
Case 2
When my mom told me that my room was starting to smell like me, I gave little attention to it. I brushed it aside thinking that it was another one of my mom's lame attempt to clean up my room....haha. I don't know how, after coming back from playing football one evening, I went straight into my room to take my towel before one defining odour stopped me on my tracks. I thought that something was up so I went back out of my room and yeah, the odour went away, just like that. So I came back in and boom, the scent came back. I think I am able to define the smell, break it up to smaller segments so that it would give you an idea of what I was dealing with at that time. You know that new car smell right? That plus some scent of men perfume that your father always use and that hair-gell smell...haha.
So I frantically checked my room to search for any old clothes, towels, bedsheets or things that contributed to the smell but found nothing. I was mystified, frustrated, and up to a certain degree, quite angry actually because I am pretty sure that my sense of personal hygiene is not that bad. Suddenly, words of my mom the other day was ringing in my ear. That smell....was that my smell? haha...pikir punye la pikir, I couldn't find some logical sense to turn it around and over the particular puzzle so yeah, I accept jer la.. But seriously, other than this particular huge mountain of unfolded clothes, a layer of dust, visible through the naked eyes, that was covering the furnitures and tiles of my room, and books that could need a wee-bit more effort of putting away, yeah, I think I was doing quite okay actually.
While I was looking around, just l like that, boom, I think I know why my room has this so-called "my scent" lingering in it...yeah, you guessed it, I spent too much time in my room. There's 24 hours in one day, I spent approximately 14-16 hours a day in it doing stuffs that are private...haha. Maybe my body odour kinda got stucked onto the bed, the floor, the furniture....I don't know la...could anyone tell me? haha..
Case 3
I couldn't remember when was the last time I went out to hang out together with people that are not as the same sex as me...in other words, with girls...haha. The things that you're thinking in your head right now, those are not the reasons behind my worries. My main concern is whether the opposite sex would think me of someone that is not...normal...haha. I asked the lads, yeah, the say I'm normal. I asked them lassies that I know pretty well, yeah, they too say that I'm normal. My view and desire towards the opposite sex never changed, and I never see guys in ways that are....aduyai...lost for words... Mai, fill in the blanks with some fancy word that you know...haha.
Do girls find the tendency of wanting to be alone somehow freakish? Weird? Because seriously, I need to break this "lucky" streak that I'm in right now...haha.
Case 4
What will happen when you watch a little too much comedy shows all the time? You'll start to think that everything is funny and starts to take your foot off the pedal a little bit more. Yeah, it's not wrong to not take everything so seriously...but what's concerning is when you take matters that are supposed to be dealt seriously a little too lightly. My brother, he skipped sekolah agama one time too many, and I busted him. Instead of busting his head off with loud and harsh words, I smiled at him...at gave him a little laugh. I don't know what was his reaction seeing me laughed because he was expecting something else...haha.
Because you see, I love to kill time by watching comedy tv shows. Someway, somehow, that is enough to make me forget my loneliness, and make me think that being alone is not that bad of a thing to be in. But, I don't know la...you guys tell me.
Case 5
You guys ever had this feeling of don't want to be in the same room with that particular person? I don't know how to say this...but I think I am uneasy to be in the same confined place with people that I know. I was watching Everybody Loves Raymond in my mom's room, my mom came in, and like an immediate automatic reaction, I stood up and went out of the room....haha. While being in a car travelling long distances, if it's with my mom, I must be the one who's driving in order for my mom to fall asleep...haha. If not driving, I would plug in my earphones to listen to music or play my handheld...to take my mind away from the current moment and position... 10 or 15 minutes of doing nothing and having empty conversations, yeah, that's fine with me... But longer than that, I often have trouble coping with it...aduyai...
Guys, the things that are mentioned here, I am indeed aware of it being a problem. But because of me enjoying spending time alone by myself, I just don't know how to react or cope with it. Could anyone please help me ease this pain and get it off my back?
So, ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. With that, I'd finished my first ever 28th blog entry in my entire life. Hope you guys enjoy it....cheers.
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kau freak dohhh haha - fathi -
ReplyDeleteeveryone has his or her own 'style'..so do you =)
ReplyDelete-winyee-
lol apparently ur not the only one who wants to be alone. I have my times too when I want to be alone like being in my room, surfing the internet. Even when my family is going out doing stuffs that I find boring (like looking at my sis' new house, which is being renovated), I wouldn't mind staying at home alone. Heck, I'll be ecstatic and would go play nintendo wii (coz no one's dominating it XD)
ReplyDeleteSo, what I'm trying to say is, whatever we do, it's ALWAYS weird. NOTHING is normal, so embrace that weirdness of yours of wanting to be alone. Don't worry, there'll come a time when u'll socialize with other peeps normally :)
couldn't say it better than you fathi..haha
ReplyDeletei think i'll take that as a compliment win yee...haha... thanks though...
ReplyDeletehaha...thanks ezanin...embrace your weirdness...lol
ReplyDeletebeing called a weirdo all my life (first adjective everyone uses to describe me), it's not a big deal. people are, in fact, different from each other, but you'd think most people are normal, because you don't really notice the all the weird stuff they do (reasons: no time to care, to simplify everyone, too concerned with self image portrayed in front of others).
ReplyDeleteabout being a loner, you'd just have to accept the fact that some people are extroverts and some people aren't (i.e introverts). time in time, people do want to mingle with other people (eventually), and some other time, you'd be sicken with other people and confine yourself in that musty room of yours.
i had a friend who hasn't seen ANYONE (schoolmates) during the 5-6 months after SPM, and well he looks pretty much wretched himself, and he even said himself he ain't ready to "see" and "talk" to people. but you know, he is actually dying to talk to people other than his family. and he's no normal guy, but he's alright. i cheered him up. and now he's back being all friendly. and not alone.
solitary is good, but you'd be bored with it eventually.
hahaha...mai, thanks. I appreciate it very, very much. No one can give advice as good as you...true story.
ReplyDeletecan't agree more than wat mai had stated, bt hey, i never knew u are a loner.. i mean,i tot u are surrounded by frens 24/7!
ReplyDeleteand, about the part where u wanna be alone when ur mom comes in or find no topic between u guys, i will call dat as generation gap..
anyway, its NOT weird to be alone, in fact, most of the time i spend my lunchtime wif myself as i find it tranquil to have lunch all by myself as i have no mood of talking when im eating.. haha.. concentrate on food lol..